A year as a mother...or what my son has taught me about life.
I celebrated my son's first birthday on Saturday. One year. Holy sh**. Really? Already? Wait, please, time slow down!
I can't believe it's been a year already since I was a manatee-sized woman who liked to pride herself on having read, seen and sucked in just about every piece of information possible. Ladies (and gentlemen) if you're reading this and are expecting a baby in the near future, let me be the spoiler...NOTHING prepares you for a baby in your life. Nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. They make earthquakes, typhoons and other forces of nature pale in comparison.
It's been a year since I held a perfect, tiny, little person in my arms and knew my life would be forever, stunningly and completely changed. (And I wasn't wrong.) In the last year I have...become a mother, left my job and career, lost my identity, found my identity, learned how to sing anything and everything, learned to breastfeed (and lost my boobs in the process, but that's a topic for another day), changed a million and one diapers, cleaned every possible substance in the world off of every possible surface, lost my independence, found a new sort of independence, cried, laughed, cried some more, learned to love a new body (mine), been lonely, felt part of a sisterhood I didn't know existed, felt more gratitude for my own mother than ever before, played like a child for hours on end, contemplated beauty and peace in the silence of a sleeping child, felt terror at the responsibility and joy at the changes, but most importantly, I've learned about a love that rivals just about everything else in the whole world.
My son in his first year has undoubtedly taught me more about this whole thing called life than I could have ever imagined. He's pushed every button I have, and some I didn't know I had; made patience and stress-management (never my strong suits) zen-like exercises at a spur of the moment. He has made me a stronger and better woman and a kinder, gentler person. I know I'm not 100% there yet (traffic situations still tend to get the better of me), but the sheer force of knowing that this little mind and heart and soul are completely devoid of prejudice, fear, hate, opinion or reference is a gigantic slap in the face to stop dead in your tracks and actually smell the roses, tell that little person about how beautiful they are and really mean it.
There is nothing like a baby to make you live in the moment and understand that everything, and I do mean everything, is temporary. No, the fever he's got today will not last forever, nor will your anguish at his pain. No, his change in sleeping routines or eating schedules because he's teething doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Yes, those tears can change in a second when he sees you smile and show him something new. No, he won't always be a little being totally dependent on you for everything, so enjoy every moment while it lasts and give it your all. And no, your own internal, emotional (and hormonal) revolution won't last forever either.
The only non-temporary and very big thing is my role as a parent. Sounds silly, I know, but it's huge once you get your head around it. He is forever and ever and ever and ever mine. I know it sounds stupidly obvious, but the responsibility to teach and raise a child as a good, caring, curious, intelligent, compassionate, determined, passionate (the list is endless) person is entirely yours once you become a parent. The weight of that is huge. I don't care what job you had before having a child, NOTHING compares to the responsibility and yes, joy, that comes with being a mother. Ah, and nothing like a child to teach you that there is no such thing as perfection. Just a journey that you decide how to take. Not an easy, instruction-filled one, but a journey nonetheless.
My son is my life now. I've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and that, more than anything else, has made me challenge everything I know of myself and my life pre and post-child. I've reorganized my head and my heart around a little life that I am more proud of than anything I've ever done before. I don't say that lightly, it cost me a whole lot of time and energy and some pretty expensive anti-depressants to make a decision that some days still feels like it could or should've been different (more on that another day), but I wouldn't change being with him for all his firsts for anything in the world. (Okay, some days a little "me" time would be ok. I am human after all.)
I don't know what life has in store for any of us, but today I can say that this last year has been a roller coaster unlike any before and probably unlike any after. Today I am grateful for the good, the bad, the ugly and the messy. For the days that creep by hour by hour, minute by minute, and the ones that sling past like race cars. I am grateful to have been given the blessing of being a mother and to be with my son every day (even on the days that are so much harder than others). I am grateful for a healthy, happy, charismatic boy that has forever changed my life and who I only hope I can do as good by as he's done for me.
Lucas, I love you. Happy first birthday.
I can't believe it's been a year already since I was a manatee-sized woman who liked to pride herself on having read, seen and sucked in just about every piece of information possible. Ladies (and gentlemen) if you're reading this and are expecting a baby in the near future, let me be the spoiler...NOTHING prepares you for a baby in your life. Nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. They make earthquakes, typhoons and other forces of nature pale in comparison.
It's been a year since I held a perfect, tiny, little person in my arms and knew my life would be forever, stunningly and completely changed. (And I wasn't wrong.) In the last year I have...become a mother, left my job and career, lost my identity, found my identity, learned how to sing anything and everything, learned to breastfeed (and lost my boobs in the process, but that's a topic for another day), changed a million and one diapers, cleaned every possible substance in the world off of every possible surface, lost my independence, found a new sort of independence, cried, laughed, cried some more, learned to love a new body (mine), been lonely, felt part of a sisterhood I didn't know existed, felt more gratitude for my own mother than ever before, played like a child for hours on end, contemplated beauty and peace in the silence of a sleeping child, felt terror at the responsibility and joy at the changes, but most importantly, I've learned about a love that rivals just about everything else in the whole world.
My son in his first year has undoubtedly taught me more about this whole thing called life than I could have ever imagined. He's pushed every button I have, and some I didn't know I had; made patience and stress-management (never my strong suits) zen-like exercises at a spur of the moment. He has made me a stronger and better woman and a kinder, gentler person. I know I'm not 100% there yet (traffic situations still tend to get the better of me), but the sheer force of knowing that this little mind and heart and soul are completely devoid of prejudice, fear, hate, opinion or reference is a gigantic slap in the face to stop dead in your tracks and actually smell the roses, tell that little person about how beautiful they are and really mean it.
There is nothing like a baby to make you live in the moment and understand that everything, and I do mean everything, is temporary. No, the fever he's got today will not last forever, nor will your anguish at his pain. No, his change in sleeping routines or eating schedules because he's teething doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Yes, those tears can change in a second when he sees you smile and show him something new. No, he won't always be a little being totally dependent on you for everything, so enjoy every moment while it lasts and give it your all. And no, your own internal, emotional (and hormonal) revolution won't last forever either.
The only non-temporary and very big thing is my role as a parent. Sounds silly, I know, but it's huge once you get your head around it. He is forever and ever and ever and ever mine. I know it sounds stupidly obvious, but the responsibility to teach and raise a child as a good, caring, curious, intelligent, compassionate, determined, passionate (the list is endless) person is entirely yours once you become a parent. The weight of that is huge. I don't care what job you had before having a child, NOTHING compares to the responsibility and yes, joy, that comes with being a mother. Ah, and nothing like a child to teach you that there is no such thing as perfection. Just a journey that you decide how to take. Not an easy, instruction-filled one, but a journey nonetheless.
My son is my life now. I've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and that, more than anything else, has made me challenge everything I know of myself and my life pre and post-child. I've reorganized my head and my heart around a little life that I am more proud of than anything I've ever done before. I don't say that lightly, it cost me a whole lot of time and energy and some pretty expensive anti-depressants to make a decision that some days still feels like it could or should've been different (more on that another day), but I wouldn't change being with him for all his firsts for anything in the world. (Okay, some days a little "me" time would be ok. I am human after all.)
I don't know what life has in store for any of us, but today I can say that this last year has been a roller coaster unlike any before and probably unlike any after. Today I am grateful for the good, the bad, the ugly and the messy. For the days that creep by hour by hour, minute by minute, and the ones that sling past like race cars. I am grateful to have been given the blessing of being a mother and to be with my son every day (even on the days that are so much harder than others). I am grateful for a healthy, happy, charismatic boy that has forever changed my life and who I only hope I can do as good by as he's done for me.
Lucas, I love you. Happy first birthday.
Comments
Post a Comment